Kids are in bed.  Tim is continuing to work on a bed.  I am tired, physically, but not mentally.  I think my stamina is starting to wane (though, admittedly, it hasn't been very high for a while).  Yesterday, I was feeling like I might be coming down with something, but thankfully, today there was no sign of any sickness.  Still, I didn't manage to get the floors mopped today and there are more dishes than just those from dinner waiting to be done.  Not that today was unproductive, just not what Tuesdays usually end up being for me. 

For some reason, I have had the feeling this pregnancy that this baby will come early...perhaps even weeks early.  Not that I think this will actually be the case, especially since I haven't gone into labor early with either of the other three, but it is still interesting to me since I have never had any inklings of anything during my pregnancies...and it does end up making me think more about what I need to have done "just in case".  And that gets overwhelming, but also makes me pause and want to slow down just a bit, since I know that the sooner things get done, the longer the last few weeks will seem.  I am thankful that there is Thanksgiving to look forward to in a couple weeks, and Christmas preparations to be made - to hopefully take my mind off of all of the what-ifs that still take over my thoughts when I think about labor.  Really, I am hoping for both a quick five weeks, but not for a whirlwind.  I want to be able to enjoy my family, as it is right now, and make this time of year special for my kids and learn how to be content with each day, not worrying about what tomorrow might hold.

I'm having a bad day today.  Really, it's been a bad few weeks, attitude-wise.  I feel like my kids are out of control and I don't have the energy or patience to deal with them.  Disobedience is running rampant, and the only thing I seem able to do to deal with it is yell and get angry.  I hate that I react this way, but I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do.  I have a hard time feeling any compassion for my kids as it is, and when they act up, what little I have flies out the window and I am completely incapable of trying to figure out what reaction is going to best benefit them.  In calm moments, I try to rehearse "appropriate" responses, in the hopes that I will remember them in the heat of the moment, but even when I try to remember what I should do or say, I draw blanks.  I sometimes try to take a few minutes to collect myself...to pray and ask for grace, but the moment I see my child and recall the offense, I am just as infuriated as before.  I think much of my problem right now is that I am so, so tired and my children are so, so persistent.  Nathanael right now is sitting in his high chair, refusing to drink his juice from breakfast...the same routine he has been pulling at EVERY meal for weeks straight now.  Nothing is getting through his stubbornness and the amount of energy it takes to compel obedience is daunting.  My children never do as they are told the first time, but I think I would collapse from exhaustion trying to discipline every infraction...and it isn't as though I am trying to dictate their every move, they just run absolutely wild so much that trying to enforce anything exhausts me, sometimes literally to the point of tears.  Then, I think about WHY they are acting the way they are...realizing that Bethany and Nathanael end up with very little of my regular attention, since between breakfast, cleaning and Caedmon's schoolwork, I rarely have extra time in the mornings, and then they nap after lunch.  But what am I supposed to do? Caedmon got SO much more attention when he was little, but now he has a big entitlement issue.  Bethany is eternally bitter toward Nathanael...she regularly says she doesn't like him and is exceedingly selfish where he is concerned.  My example is, I'm sure, horrible for them.  I feel like this battle is already lost and I want to curl up in a corner and ignore the world around me.  I want a break from my kids for even just a few hours, except there is nobody around here willing to watch our kids for even a few hours (I'm not comfortable with the idea of leaving them with strangers), and if I "let" Tim give me a break, I just feel guilty because there are a million better things I feel like he could be doing with his time.  I wonder how I will ever deal with four kids.  I thought God would give me grace to do more, but I am failing with just three.  So, like I said, it's a bad day.

I guess this has sort of become a random listing of my to-do items, but it helps me sort out my rather scattered brain these days.  With only 2 months left until this baby's arrival (give or take), I am really feeling overwhelmed by all the things that need doing.  I had hoped to have Christmas shopping done by now, but it just didn't happen, which is really kind of stressing me right now since it always seems to take so much time to get the last few things bought.  We have also still got room rearranging and bed and bedding purchasing to do.  I have not gotten any baby stuff out of storage yet, nor any of the few needed new items purchased.  Plus, we have yet to make our Thanksgiving plans (not to mention the preparation that goes along with that), and I have a strong desire to still make sure our home is properly decked out for Christmas well before this baby comes...which includes having plenty of cookies stockpiled (which means finding time to bake them all).  I still need to put summer clothes away, and would like to sort through all of the clothes bins at the same time to make sure everything is properly labeled.  For his part, Tim is hoping to tackle a few of the remaining house projects and perhaps make a few woodworking items to try selling.  And on top of it all, there are the "normal" tasks of homeschooling, cleaning, cooking and child-rearing.  So, with all of that, you would think I would be super-motivated, right?  Nope.  I am feeling uncomfortably pregnant and wanting to curl up and watch movies, or bake pies, or take afternoon naps as the weather gets cooler.  Today, a headache is limiting my productivity, and the sniffles from my kids have persuaded me to turn on PBS kids for a bit this morning.  Will the world end if I don't get much done today?  I sure hope not.