More randomness for today...
 :: I woke up with a headache at 5:15 this morning and slept very little until Nathanael woke up at 6:30...Bethany and Caedmon were up 10 minutes later.  I am exhausted and though my headache seems to be subsiding, I can barely keep my eyes open.  There isn't much on the agenda today, though, and I am thinking that I may not make many ventures from the couch today.

:: our '93 Toyota 4Runner began having brake troubles last Monday.  Tim figured it was leaking brake fluid, as there was a large pool of clear liquid on the ground beneath the brake lines.  He couldn't see where the leak was coming from, though, and so took it to a mechanic to see what was wrong.  The mechanic did not find anything wrong with the brake lines and assumes that the problem is in the rear drums, but can't really "check" that, since things are so rusted that any checking will likely require replacing since it doesn't seem like things will come apart without breaking.  What the mechanic did discover, though, is that the several engine seals and gaskets(?) are failing due to a shoddy job done on the engine rebuild that we paid through the nose for a few years ago; the radiator might be broken and the power steering might be leaking (the mechanic thinks this is likely what the leaking fluid would have been...but, again, can't really check without breaking something).  In all, repair costs could be $2000 or more.  So, Tim called up the mechanic who rebuilt the engine, to have him look at the problems there and see if maybe, possibly, some responsibility will be assumed for the engine issues.  Otherwise, we are a bit torn...16 years is kind of old for a vehicle - do we deal with the expense and risk the possibility of other things going on it more and more frequently, or do we get a newer used vehicle for a few thousand dollars, and anticipate some big repairs in the not-too-distant future on whatever we get?  Do we try to somehow make-do with only one vehicle for a few months, so Tim can putz with the 4Runner and fix it himself...which will be a big drain on time, but will save us a lot of money?  It seems like a no-win situation, and just a really bad time to be dealing with it as we will very soon have a very large insurance deductible to pay.

:: Pregnancy.  It's been different this time around.  I have been more exhausted than ever before....I think even when I was only getting about 6 hrs of sleep when pregnant with Caedmon, and was throwing up frequently most days, I wasn't as tired.  This has made deliberate exercise rare, to say the least, since every time I have exercised, I have been so tired the following day that I just couldn't function.  So, I am concerned with how I will handle labor.  It may be God is still trying to find ways to convince me that any "success" I have is not me at all...and at this point, I am certain that I am not strong enough on my own to endure labor.  I have been having more hints of my body preparing for labor this time around, though, which I hope is a good sign.  I never really had much for braxton-hicks contractions in previous pregnancies, but I have had rather frequent uterine tightening over the past few weeks, though nothing painful, and have had other pains supposedly associated with the body preparing itself.  I sure hope, that when it comes time for labor, it will be quicker and easier than the 4 days of off and on painful contractions I had with Nathanael.  I guess we'll see.

:: My sister, Holly, will be moving in for a bit to help out when the baby is born.  I can't say how much less anxiety I have because of this. 

:: I keep feeling like Christmas is right around the corner, and I worry that the next few weeks are going to be excruciatingly long...especially if I happen to go past my due date.  I have a problem with anticipating things too much.  I love Christmas, but I think things would be a bit easier if it caught me by surprise.  The more I anticipate something, the longer it seems to take to get here, and the more of a "let down" I feel when it is done and I no longer am so expectant of what's to come.  So, how do I just appreciate each day as it comes, and not constantly look ahead to the next "big" event?

:: I am wondering how it can be that all three of my children seem to have entered into a phase of really bad attitudes .  I can't pinpoint when it started, and I see no end in sight at the moment.  I'm sure some of it has to do with my constant fatigue (and short temper), but I wish I had more wisdom in this area, and more faith in God's grace to cover my failings.

:: In all, though, life isn't bad.  I think when things are difficult, writing stuff out helps me organize my thoughts, so that is what ends up here.  I can't begin to say how thankful I am for my husband...really, there are no words to describe it.  I am thankful for God's grace in taking some of my worse days and redeeming them from the wreck I make of them.  I am thankful for those times when my kids surprise me with their love and compassion...like last week when I wasn't feeling good one day and Caedmon offered to help me with all of my chores, or when Nathanael cut his lip and just wanted me to hold and snuggle him, or when Bethany randomly gives me a hug and tells me she loves me.  I do have some pretty wonderful moments with them.  And I am thankful that we are provided for...I feel so blessed that even after 5 months of unemployment, and a few months of part-time employment, our bills were all paid and our bank account never ran out...and that now, even when facing thousands of dollars of bills, we aren't left wondering how things will be paid.  I am thankful that we are all healthy.  With the exception of sniffles that have lasted only a day or two, we have had no sickness, praise God!  In the midst of so much fear of illness in our society today, it is so comforting to know that we have the Great Physician taking care of us.

...well, a little girl just failed to make it on the potty in time, so I need to go clean up a mess.

Kids are in bed.  Tim is continuing to work on a bed.  I am tired, physically, but not mentally.  I think my stamina is starting to wane (though, admittedly, it hasn't been very high for a while).  Yesterday, I was feeling like I might be coming down with something, but thankfully, today there was no sign of any sickness.  Still, I didn't manage to get the floors mopped today and there are more dishes than just those from dinner waiting to be done.  Not that today was unproductive, just not what Tuesdays usually end up being for me. 

For some reason, I have had the feeling this pregnancy that this baby will come early...perhaps even weeks early.  Not that I think this will actually be the case, especially since I haven't gone into labor early with either of the other three, but it is still interesting to me since I have never had any inklings of anything during my pregnancies...and it does end up making me think more about what I need to have done "just in case".  And that gets overwhelming, but also makes me pause and want to slow down just a bit, since I know that the sooner things get done, the longer the last few weeks will seem.  I am thankful that there is Thanksgiving to look forward to in a couple weeks, and Christmas preparations to be made - to hopefully take my mind off of all of the what-ifs that still take over my thoughts when I think about labor.  Really, I am hoping for both a quick five weeks, but not for a whirlwind.  I want to be able to enjoy my family, as it is right now, and make this time of year special for my kids and learn how to be content with each day, not worrying about what tomorrow might hold.